


i swear i'll never leave again

by lvender (lvecean)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adam (Voltron) Lives, Allura (Voltron) Lives, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Post-Canon, but he tries his best, he's kinda emo about it, keith comes back to earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24219097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvecean/pseuds/lvender
Summary: “Be honest, Keith.”Keith thinks no pleasant conversation ever started with those words.“Why did you come back?”Keith looks up to Shiro, his brother, maybe for the first time since he came back to Earth nine days ago.Because it all became too much. Because I’m not who they think I am. I can’t lead the Blades. I can’t save the galaxy. I can’t I can’t I can’t.He swallows. Looks back at his lap. Crushes the popcorn in his fist.“Because I was lonely.”
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Allura/Romelle (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 75





	i swear i'll never leave again

**Author's Note:**

> hi loves <3  
> this story is about finding a place to belong.  
> this is the direct result of my channeling my anxiety into writing.  
> i wrote this solely for me, but i do hope you'll find some comfort in keith's journey to finding a home. 
> 
> thanks [dia](https://twitter.com/galtean) for being my second opinion <3  
> and thanks [hale](https://twitter.com/sokkasword) for boosting my confidence <3 
> 
> this work is inspired directly by keshi's 'i swear i'll never leave again' and i basically listened to it on repeat. so if you want to set the mood a little, you can listen to it here:  
> [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Q0Iw9-bSI)  
> [spotify link](https://open.spotify.com/track/5byXSKd7QOHtVMOiptklBD)
> 
> TW: keith goes through two panic attacks this chapter. they're not described in much detail, but they do happen. to avoid them look out for the phrases: "Keith growls and tears" and "Shiro please." they end at the next cut. let me know if i should tag them. stay safe <3

_ (i swear i’ll never leave again) _

_ —mirror on the wall can you tell me who i am. i think that i forgot so remind me once again.  _

The leader’s uniform sits heavy on his shoulders. It weighs him down. The attachable pieces wrap around his chest and back and over his shoulders too tightly. They’re restricting. Strangling him and holding him back. 

The material is too rough. It scratches open his knuckles when he grazes them over it. The blood drips down his hand before he brings it up to his lips and sucks it off. The taste is just as metalic as the uniform. He scrunches up his nose in disgust. 

He just can’t  _ breathe _ . 

The smell of alien metal and the numbing in his ribs and the heaviness of an entire universe resting on his shoulders. 

He takes a breath and chances a look in the mirror.

Sweet Goddess.

It’s been a few years, probably, but the big scar on his cheek still has him sucking in a breath. His fingers explore the sensitive skin hesitantly as his eyes watch. 

_ I should’ve abandoned you just like your parents did. _

He tears his hand back to his side. Fists clenched. That was years ago. It’s not— Shiro doesn’t actually think that. He  _ knows _ this. It’s still hard. 

He rips his eyes away from the scar tissue and focuses on the new armor. It’s not just weird to see himself in it. It’s unsettling. It makes a shot of pure anxiety shoot into his stomach. He wants—

He wants to go back.

Several years back in time. Before Kolivan gave him this uniform with a proud smile on his face and a pat on Keith’s shoulder. Before he left earth to join the Blades in their aiding of lost planets. Before Allura almost died, and the team almost died and  _ he _ almost died and the whole fucking universe almost died. Before he was forced to travel across the galaxy with a team he’d been so good at distancing himself from. Before he spent years on a space whale and left a part of himself there. 

He wants to go back to before all of that. When the team had just found Allura and Coran and Voltron. They’d been just a group of kids, pretending to be soldiers at the insistence of five magical lions. 

He wants to go back to a time where he’d been sure of himself. He knew his place on the team; he was the hothead, the act-first-think-later guy. The loner who was so sick and tired of being  _ alone _ all the time, but had no clue how not to be. The paladin of the red lion. Shiro’s brother. The orphan who’d spent a year in the desert chasing his nightmares into dark caves. 

Keith growls and tears the extra armor over his head. It doesn’t feel as relieving as it should. He’s panting, the stress and anxiety wrapping tightly around his lungs. His thumb presses the button to deactivate the regular marmoran armor, again and again he presses. Air is escaping him too fast, he can’t  _ breathe _ . When the suit finally releases its hold on him, he shakes it off and falls to the ground. 

Hands on the floor, head hanging between his shoulders as he breathes the weight off. 

He shoots one last look at the armor. Then kicks it away and it disappears underneath the sink. 

Dark purple never was his color to begin with.

  
  


_ —maybe i was going too fast. babe, i’d give it all to go back. _

Three months later he quits. 

He hates himself for waiting three months. But he does it. He drops the uniform on Kolivan’s doorstep and leaves. His belongings fit in one bag, they barely fill half of it. It would’ve made him cry had he not been so damn glad to finally be leaving. 

He takes one of the Blade’s numerous pods. One of those models that return to their base on their own after they drop their pilots. A one way ticket to Earth. 

Inside the pod there’s nothing to do but watch the stars. He doesn’t feel like calling someone. He wouldn’t have anyone to call, anyway. It’s his own fault too. 

In the beginning, right after he left to join the Blades for good, the others had tried reaching out to him. 

Shiro said he’d moved too fast. Should’ve let himself adjust and settle down, and then decide what he wanted to do with his life. His therapist had agreed. But the thing is— They didn’t know what it was like. They didn’t know what it was like to feel so  _ useless _ . Like such a waste of space and everyone’s time. He couldn’t hang around on earth, watching everyone around him fall in love and find new passions, and be the only one who didn’t have any of that.

He couldn’t be the guy that had to be dragged through life by his friends. But he couldn’t be left behind, either. 

So that’s why, when his mother announced that she’d be joining the Blade again, he hadn’t known how fast to ask her if he could come with. She’d looked at him in confusion, shot an eye at the other ex-paladins in the back, and hesitantly agreed.    
“Are you sure?” she’d asked.    
“Yes,” he said, swallowing back the  _ something _ that made his throat close up. “Yes. I’m sure.”

He’d told the others he’d be leaving again. 

The slam of the door as Lance left didn’t even crack his stone face. 

The stars and planets and nebulas shoot past like a blur. His eyes unfocused and moist. He doesn’t know the names of any of these systems. Wouldn’t be able to name any of the suns that grant life so selflessly if held at gunpoint. 

He doesn’t know why, but it bothers him. Makes his stomach knot up and his throat close. 

(He does know why. It’s because of light brown eyes and freckled cheeks and moving hands as a boy speaks Keith’s ghosts away at night. Because of the stars dancing between the boy’s lashes and the stories falling from his lips. Because several years ago, a boy from Cuba had taught him all the constellations and their brightest suns, and he couldn’t remember a single one.) 

  
  


_ —baby, i’m better. i promise.  _

The first people he sees when he’s back on Earth, are Shiro and Adam. 

He doesn’t call, just shows up at their house two days after he arrives.

“Takashi,” Adam says, looking at Keith standing in their doorway. “Takashi. Keith’s back.” Then he hugs Keith to his chest so tight, Keith thinks they’ll meld into one. 

Shiro comes sprinting into the hallway and halts in the doorway. 

_ —should’ve abandoned you just like your parents did.  _

Keith sucks in a breath. 

Shiro takes one look at Keith still cradled by his husband, then pulls them both into his chest. “Keith,” he breathes. “We missed you.” He pulls back only to inspect his face and kiss the top of his head. “So much,” he whispers into Keith’s hair. 

“I missed you, too,” Keith whispers back, clutching the back of Shiro’s shirt as he loses the fight against his tears.

They eat Adam’s famous tabbouleh with a side of lamb — and tofu for Shiro. 

As they eat, Adam starts fussing. About his hair and his clothes and his weight and complexion. Keith smiles and takes it all in stride. They’ve missed him. And he’s missed them. 

Keith sets his fork down. “I love you. You guys… You know that, right?” He looks at the two men who took an orphan in all those years ago and gave him his first home. “I didn’t leave because—“ 

Shiro’s hand is warm and steady on top of his shaking one. “We know,” he says, smiling. “We love you too. Always.” 

Later that night, the three of them are seated in the small living room. Unasked questions drift about as they enjoy their late night tea. 

Keith’s phone — communicator, transmitter, whatever you want to call it — light’s up with an incoming call. 

_ Krolia _ , the screen says. There’s no profile picture assigned to the contact, so the screen just flashes orange for half a minute before it turns dark again. 

“Wasn’t that-” Adam starts, frowning at Keith over the rim of his steaming mug. 

Keith nods, averting his eyes. 

He has no doubt in his mind that Shiro sees right through his forced nonchalance. The man has always had a knack for picking up on his underlying emotions. (Though he’s been told that he’s worse of a lier than he would like to be.) 

“Shouldn’t you pick it up then?” Shiro asks softly. 

Keith holds his breath. It’s not that he’s— He’s not  _ avoiding _ Krolia— his mother. He’s not  _ avoiding _ her, he’s just not talking to her at the moment. 

He’s aware of how that sounds. He’s also aware of the heart-clenching anxiety that comes with the thought of talking to her again. Of  _ explaining _ why he left. 

It’s kind of a lot easier to just  _ not _ . 

_ I’ll answer the next one, _ he promises. This was the third call he’s ignored.  _ But I’ll answer the next one. _

He knows he won’t. It’s still nice to pretend to have some decency left. 

  
  
  


_ —know that i’ve never been honest. maybe i never forgot it.  _

Coming back is harder than Keith had thought.

Or, maybe, probably, it’s just harder than he’d  _ hoped. _ He’d hoped for it to be simple. Easy, just a quick  _ oh, hey, Keith’s back _ , that’s all. 

Instead.

Instead. There are shocked faces. Both positive and negative. He wonders what goes on behind those faces. Are they happy to see him? Anxious to see him leave? Already doing the math on when he’ll get cold feet and run again? 

He doesn’t know. He’s bad at reading people — just bad at  _ people _ in general, if he’s being honest — and so he  _ doesn’t know. _

He smiles awkwardly as former or present Atlas crew members come up to him to congratulate him on being back again. (And, what’s up with that? Why do they congratulate him?) 

Shiro’s hand on his shoulder kind of makes him feel like he’s a twelve year old who needs to school his frown and act nice in front of the big important people. It also sort of grounds him and keeps him from fleeing. 

So, he shakes hands and shakes his head when people ask him if he’s coming back to lead a squad, restore his old position as black paladin again. 

It’s not— a  _ bad _ day. It’s just not that  _ good _ either. 

At the end of it, when the sun’s brushing the barren desert horizon and the moon’s already halfway up the sky, Shiro smiles and says, “It’s good to have you back.”

Keith smiles back and says, “It’s good to be back.” And he’s not sure if it’s true just yet. But he’s sure it could be true someday. If he gives it some time. Gives  _ himself  _ some time. 

As they’re eating he gets a call. 

_ Krolia _ . 

He lets it ring and ring and buzz against the table. 

He can see Adam and Shiro looking at the phone, then at him, then at each other. They don’t say anything. 

The screen goes dark and Keith can breathe again. 

After dinner Shiro suggests the three of them go outside and enjoy the late night air for a bit. Keith knows it’s Shiro’s way of making them a family again — stargazing is the Shirogane’s way of establishing close bonds, after all. 

Keith shrugs and says, “Sure.” It makes Shiro smile, and a little piece of  _ something _ settles in his chest at the sight. 

Adam frowns and says that he can’t, he has an early physics class to teach in the morning, and he’d rather get the recommended eight hours of sleep. (He’s just like that.) 

The mentioning of those times — dragging his sleep deprived younger self into Adam’s class, bordering being late despite living with the teacher. The memory makes him smile. Back then, all he’d had to worry about was asserting a certain amount of dominance over Adam and Shiro, letting them know that,  _ yes _ , he was small, and technically under their care, but he wasn’t one to be bossed around. 

It makes him think about doing it all over. Starting from his first day at the Garrison. As the awkward kid who, he’ll admit, had a bit of a superiority complex. But he’s grown past that in time, after he lost one half of his two-person family, then had to leave the other half on earth. Then, he found a new family — a weird, mismatched family that he somehow fit into. 

And then, he left. And again and again he left. Maybe not always physically, but mentally, yes. 

“—Keith?” Shiro is saying something. 

“Hm?” Keith looks up at Shiro’s worried face. “Sorry,” he says, “I zoned out.”

Shiro seems like he wants to say something. But he turns around and walks into the kitchen to prepare snacks and drinks. 

Adam walks up to him. “He worries about you, you know.” He looks at Keith. 

Keith holds his gaze for a moment. Then, he looks away and swallows something heavy. “I know.” He turns his head to the kitchen, where Shiro is rummaging about. “I don’t want him to.” 

Adam’s hand finds his shoulder and he squeezes briefly. “Then talk to him.” With that, he nods and leaves the room. 

Keith looks after his retreating back.  _ Talk to him _ . That’s easier said than done when every time he looks at his brother, part of him wants to cower back with fear. 

_ —abandoned you just like— _

Shiro returns, carrying a bowl of popcorn and two bottles of sodapop. He grins without his eyes as he says, “Let’s go, Keith.” Just a little strained, just a little off. So Keith knows they’ll be having a conversation. 

His brother is already out the door, dragging a chair across the lawn with his foot. 

Keith chances one last glance into the inviting living room, then closes the door behind him and steps into the cold night air. He picks up the chair Shiro was attempting to move, and another one for himself. 

The two men settle into the creaking folding chairs.

Something about looking up into the night sky seems cheap to Keith. He’s seen thousands and thousands of views just like this one. He’s flown alongside the very stars he’s gazing at right now. He spent two years stranded on a space whale with nothing to do but look out into the almost constant night sky — stars, however many there may seem when you look up, are rather rare to just float by on the back of a giant whale. Sometimes, they lived weeks on end in total darkness. They might have lost their appeal during those times. 

(Brown hands lay against glass, pretending to caress the space dust with their fingertips. Brown eyes reflect the little white specks a little too well. Keith’s heart races as the boy smiles and recites the stars.) 

Remembering, or, remembering what is yet to be, Keith decides, is a dangerous thing. 

“I wanted to talk with you,” Shiro says.

Keith blinks back into the present. He hums. 

He knows. 

Shiro only ever comes out here to talk. 

“About what?” Keith asks, not taking his gaze away from the moon. (At least the moon is Earth’s.) He sticks his hand out into Shiro’s direction and only has to wait a few seconds before the plastic popcorn bowl is placed beneath it. 

Shiro pulls the bowl back into his lap as Keith chews the salty pops. “About you,” he says.

Keith doesn’t turn his head to see if his brother is looking at him. He hums again. Softer this time. “Right,” he says. “Me.” 

Shiro is silent for a few seconds. His nails tap the plastic bowl softly. Somewhere, a hyena cries. “Yes, you.” This time he turns his head. “I’m worried about you.”

Keith’s gaze drops to his lap. He shakes his hand a little and watches the popcorn shake with it.  _ Me too, _ he doesn’t say. 

“Be honest, Keith.”

Keith thinks no pleasant conversation ever started with those words.

“Why did you come back?”

Keith looks up to Shiro, his brother, maybe for the first time since he came back to Earth nine days ago.  _ Because it all became too much. I’m not who they think I am. I can’t lead the Blades. I can’t save the galaxy. I can’t I can’t I can’t.  _

He swallows. Looks back at his lap. Crushes the popcorn in his fist. 

“Because I was lonely.”

It’s weird to say. He wouldn’t say freeing — for that to happen, there were still too many unspoken fears living in his head. “I was— Yeah. Lonely. I missed… this. You and Adam. And the team. And—” 

_ Lance. _ He missed — misses — missed Lance. 

“Well,” he says, wiping the pieces of crushed popcorn on his jeans. “I was just alone a lot. You know I don’t do well alone.” 

Shiro blows a breath through his nose. His fingers have stopped their tapping. The hyena is quiet too. It’s almost stiffening. “Are you sure it’s not because of…” he trails off. Keith thinks he already knows what Shiro is about to say. “Because of what happened between us?”

_ Shiro, please. Keith is begging. I know you’re in there. _

_ I should’ve abandoned you. Just like your parents did. They saw you were broken. Worthless. I should’ve seen it too. _

Keith’s breath halts in his throat. 

_ —abandoned you.  _

Shiro’s looking at him. Are his? Are his pupils purple? A wicked grin tugs at his lips. He looks— 

_ —broken. _

Purple lights up the night sky. (It’s always purple. Purple fur purple eyes purple armor purple arms.) The hum of a robotic arm charging.

_ —worthless. _

Searing pain burning its way into his cheek. His control is slipping through his fingers. He can feel  _ that _ part of himself take over. The despair. The hurt, the sadness of a childhood spent wandering.

_ —like your parents. _

And in the end. He’ll always be alone. He’ll always be the loner. 

_ —Should’ve abandoned you. Just like your parents did. _

He doesn’t notice he fell until he’s on the ground. Shiro’s crouching in front of him. White. His hair is white. His eyes are whtie. His arm is white. 

“—in, and out. Calmly through your nose. That’s it, Keith.” Shiro smiles. Brushes back his bangs. “That’s it. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Keith closes his eyes.

Wouldn’t that be nice.

**Author's Note:**

> pt. ii ; keith meets lance again since— a long time. he struggles with his relationship with his mom and battles the memories of things yet to happen. 
> 
> let me know what you thought in the comments <3
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lvecean)


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